Entry: a weekend of grief Feb 15, 2004



i am so lonely. i am. the loneliness is palpable. - carrie
no one will ever know how it really is. though some people say it's a choice (and i don't really argue) i still cannot skip the grief part. some really kind friends allow me my pain and my time of mourning. they do not rush me to be okay or to "move on". i believe they are the most patient with me and in them i find the acceptance i really need. in them i feel it's okay to cry, to just lie down, to refuse to greet the world with a smile, to hide in the shadows. they allowed me that. and in so doing, i feel their loyal company more and more.

in this time of extreme grief and loneliness, finally there are people who don't require me to "snap out of it". to them, thank you.

this weekend was particularly difficult. i came home to my dad. he was crying again. i tried to be brave when he was talking to me. but i asked him if i could go up to change my clothes. upstairs, i couldn't bear it any longer. i cried like a baby and pleaded God for everything to stop. i couldn't take any more of the pain. i just couldn't any longer. nothing is ever easy now. i don't have the strength to be strong for other people or to comfort them when i myself am lacking. i myself needed someone to hold me through all this.

i just want everything to stop. it was driving me beyond clear thinking and good reason. i just couldn't take it anymore.

There was given me a thorn in my flesh to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. - Paul
   5 comments

kaligay
February 22, 2004   02:43 AM PST
 
you are always in my prayers
here's a big hug for you
*HUG*
im sorry if we still haven't talk
i hope we can make time soon
moks
February 16, 2004   05:39 PM PST
 
hey, what day ka na pumupunta kila coy? :)
me
February 15, 2004   09:59 PM PST
 
...My prayers go to you, mostly. Most of the time. Every time I can spare. I feel what you feel . I know . I placed it there. My fault. My own. I suffer. Too. Alas, for I have not the strength to undo what my sinful nature has done. But I do what I can...mostly, most of the time.
storygirl
February 15, 2004   07:00 PM PST
 
tnx coy for your friendship. sige i will read your recommended reading. and thank you for your posts and you and ams' company. plus your house...plus your food...plus the very interesting conversations...plus being deliverers of truth...plus your gentleness....THANK YOU! glad to have you guys.
cocoy
February 15, 2004   05:53 PM PST
 
thank you for reminding me that His grace is sufficient, despite the nagging thorn. thank you, really. p.s. don't forget to laugh out loud by reading my recommended reading. ;) good day.

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