 Warning: Contents may not be good for your health. If so, I suggest you browse sunnier blogs. They're all over the place. Firsts
smaller waistline
no appetite
little t-backs
laptop
few dvds
too few words
being alone (really)
Who I am: I am a fool in search of wisdom
What I do: I take myself too seriously
When will my day be: When I realize the day will not come
Where do I want to be: Still here despite everything and anywhere where there's grace
How do I look: I don't want to disappoint you
What will I change: My hair again and my heart, please
What I haven't done: Enjoying life and showing everyone what I'm really made of
Who do I plan to make friends with: Old friends
What will I be when I'm forty: Checking papers, making good money, not becoming corrupted by it, ripening in faith
What I have to be: Happy
Contact Me
|
|
|
 |
Feb 5, 2004
at the risk of sounding too melancholic, here are two lines i'd like to share to whomever visits my blog.
I cried when I was born and every day shows why. - George Herbert
There are only two things that pierce the human heart. One is beauty. The other is affliction. And while we wish there were only beauty in the world, each of us has known enough pain to raise serious doubts about the universe we live in. - Simone Weil
I remember a web quiz I answered several months ago about what book of the Bible represents my life. Some friends got Psalms to represent their lives, or Proverbs or Ephesians. And while I was hoping I could get Song of Songs because it's short and romantic, I got what I already know I would. Lamentations.
I didn't know what to feel.
But after browsing a little, and internalizing some passages, I began to feel, yeah, this is my book. I would have wanted to give you my own review of the book but a review I got from the web explained it succinctly and as perfectly as I would have it. The italics are mine.
What is Lamentations?
The book of Lamentations has been badly served by the title it carries in our English versions. For it is not a collection of breast-beating self-pitying poems, a mere lamenting of the sorry state of Jerusalem and its inhabitants. It is rather the record of a Hebrew poet's coping with crisis, a deeply reflected proposal for the handling of grief.
Its theological position is quite subtle: it does not take just one perspective and it does not recommend a single solution. It begins with the reality of disaster and it concludes neither with cheap grace nor with easy hope but with the bitter possibility that the people of God may now have become the ex-people of God, that God may indeed have this time finally rejected Israel (5:22). And yet, despite its unwillingness to affirm blandly that all manner of thing will be well, at its end it does not leave its readers at the same point of despair with which it opened; for at its very midpoint (3:22-33) it has expressed the confidence that the mercies of Yahweh never come to an end, they are new every morning.
I am not one to claim I have known more pain or grief or despair than anyone. But I am one to say I have known pain enough to smell it. I know its touch. I know when it's hanging over me. Pain had touched my chest and willed it to tighten. Pain had me running after precious breath. Pain had made my throat dry and my voice coarse. Pain had me carrying a boulder tied to my neck. Pain had my head throbbing and my body reeling. Pain assaulted with me with a sniff of a familiar air. Pain flooded me with tears of a touch I very well remember.
Some may think the crying has got to stop and soon. But like Lamentations, the book of my life, I do not beat my breast just for the sake of self-pity. I beat my breast and bury my face in the dust because this is the way to handle the grief I possess.
Lamentations concluded with the bitter possibility that Jerusalem has become the ex-people of God. I can't help but feel akin to the Jews. But though the possibilities that loom over me now are not cheerful, God hasn't told me I should snap out of it and jump for joy for a change.
Here are a few verses I learned last Sunday. They are from Chapter 3.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.
28 Let him sit alone in silence,
for the LORD has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust-
there may yet be hope.
30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
and let him be filled with disgrace.
The Lord has allowed it. It is so written. The Lord has allowed my pain.
Let him. Two words. Two words that sting. 'Let him' tells me that the Lord 'lets me' sit alone in silence, bury my face in the dust and offer my cheek to the one who would strike me (inspite of doing this to another) and be filled with disgrace.
I kept saying to myself the past weeks, "I will redeem myself. I will redeem myself. Though I find myself in a dump worse than before, I will redeem myself."
Sad to say, there will be no redemption. I am certain that my days of redemption will not come. Redemption of my own brand, that is.
But Lamentations says, there may yet be hope. And it says the Lord has not cast me off forever.
But for today, my place is here. Not moving on. But at a standstill. I need to standstill so my Lover can meet me where I am. For today, my role is this. The tears are mine. The pain is mine. The bleak tomorrow is my vision. Because the Lord has allowed my grief, my suffering.
I do not know if in the next morrows, it will be the same. Something tells me I am not yet nearing the end of my tunnel. But it does not discount the fact that the tunnel has an end. Until then, allow me my place and my portion for now.
Posted at 08:24 pm by storygirl
Feb 4, 2004
even my own blog makes me feel i should choose what i say.
Posted at 11:25 pm by storygirl
Feb 3, 2004
don't tell me to stop crying
please just hold me when i do
soothe me with your silence
and just cradle me to you
don't push me for my reasons
or expect me to explain
how can i in five minutes
shift a lifetime's hidden pain
Posted at 09:09 pm by storygirl
Feb 1, 2004
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Posted at 06:24 pm by storygirl
Jan 22, 2004
we love this stuff, don't we?
1. DREAM NICKNAME: i already have it pero not everybody calls me that
2. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? loved ones
3. Where's number three?
4. I USUALLY SMELL LIKE… somebody said i smell sweet, i wish it were true.
5. WHAT MOVIE BEST DESCRIBES YOUR SEXUAL PROWESS? Bringing Down The House (joke)
6. CURRENT CELLPHONE RINGTONE: ha! it's always silent.
7. FAVORITE STORES IN THE MALL: Home, i love furniture
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: being left
9. FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? right now, you don't wanna know
10. MOST EMBARASSING CD IN YOUR COLLECTION: Celine Dion
11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME: Gabriel, Michael, and a really funny and long name for a baby girl (that's for now)
12. FAVORITE BADGUY: o-ren
13. BY CHOICE, A TIME MACHINE WILL TAKE YOU WHEN AND WHERE?: october 2001, someplace special
14. IF SOMEONE WAS MADE RULER OF THE WORLD WHO, CURRENTLY LIVING, SHOULD IT BE?: Mel Gibson, but lemme think it over
15. FAVORITE “SURVIVOR” CHARACTER EVER? rupert (pearl island), ethan (africa), matthew(amazon)
16. WHO’S COOL IN YOUR CELLPHONE ADDRESS BOOK? my mom
17. TV SHOWS THAT MAKE YOU LAUGH? Friends. Makes me excited and angry: Survivor
18. WHAT’S BETTER THAN SEX? sex with whipped cream
19. DESCRIBE YOUR MOST ROMANTIC DATE: the one where we would end up laughing all night and when we're tired, there's nothing to do but to embrace
20. PEOPLE WILL BE SURPRISED THAT I LIKE…: "processing" in the toilet
21. ESTIMATED NUMBER OF TIMES YOU EVER PUKED FROM ALCOHOL: none. i just had rashes for 3 days.
22. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? peace, a big bonus, letters from london
23. WHAT’S GONNA BE YOUR WEDDING SONG? first time ever i saw your face
24. DESCRIBE YOUR TYPICAL SATURDAY NIGHT IN VIVID DETAIL: lately, a night watching friends, then ironing my clothes for the week
25. WHAT SONG ALWAYS GETS YOU IN A ROMANTIC MOOD? The Way You Look Tonight (but it also makes me a little sad)
LASTS
last cigarette: never
last library book checked out: From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler
last movie seen: killy billy
last book read: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
last cuss word uttered: i don't cuss
last drink: coffee...not so good
last food consumed: a donut
last crush: Theoden
last phone call: mia, a really good friend
last tv show watched: you mean, besides friends?
last time showered: this morning.
last shoes worn: blue sandals
last cd played: we can't do it because our boss is japanese
last item bought: coffee and donut
last download: my boss is japanese
last annoyance: myself
last thing written: blog entry
last sleep: a restless last night
last chatted with: mia, amidst updating record books
last weird encounter: some losers in the office
last ice cream eaten: Cornetto Cone, two of them
last time amused: when i got myself talking about king saul and job to mia
last time wanting to die: wowww...someone would know
last time in love: i am still
last time hugged: my mom did this morning
last time scolded: yesterday by glenn, a mild but serious one
last chair sat in: student's chair in the center
last poster looked at: Belgian Choco Bites poster
Posted at 09:05 pm by storygirl
fulfill me my story. the story my greatgrandchildren would listen to and pass on to their own children. fulfill me my story and make me the victor you intended me to be. fulfill me my story and let every soul know i was redeemed.
fulfill me. fulfill my story in You.
Posted at 05:34 pm by storygirl
the hardest part of the day
i like it when it's time to sleep. i temporarily leave my sorrows and enter my peaceful slumber. or at least i thought so. all my nights recently have been filled with restlessness and disturbing dreams, i actually feel like someone was squeezing my heart the whole night every night.
but the restlessness of my sleeping hours do not compare to the time when sleep leaves me. it hits me like a sharp-edged blade. i bolt upright, clutch my heart, and slowly lay back down again muttering my prayers of despair. "please help me. please help me," i would say.
waking up is the hardest part. especially when you have to convince yourself there is something worthwhile to wake up for. but i know there is. i just have to be reminded.
i pray now for peace and healing. i pray now for courage and calmness. i pray now for wisdom and trust. i pray now for easier mornings and mornings filled with hope. they will come...they will come...
Posted at 05:29 pm by storygirl
What I was thinking when I watched Kill Bill
1. God, this is gory.  2. God, I can't take it anymore. 3. Vivica Fox looked great. 4. O-ren Ishii rocks!  5. I saw Gogo Yubari when I went to Japan. 6. How many times do I have to say I want to learn how to speak Japanese? 7. I am too busy to drink my Pepsi Twist.  8. How could Anime be more gripping than real live actors? 9. Is my scalp still here? 10. When is Volume 2 coming? Posted at 03:22 am by storygirl
Scenes and Lines from ROTK I'll remember most
some of these made me weep...  1) Gandalf: Run Shadowfax. Show us the meaning of haste! 2) Elrond: I looked into your future and I saw death. Arwen: But there is also life. You saw there was a child! You saw my son! Elrond: (gloomily) That future is almost gone. Arwen: But it is not lost. 3) Pippin: I don't want to be in a battle, but waiting on the edge of one I can't escape is even worse. (Gandalf walks over to stand next to him.) Is there any hope, Gandalf, for Frodo and Sam? Gandalf: There never was much hope...just a fool's hope. 4) Gollum: S-sneaking? :) 5) Elrond: Put aside the Ranger. Become who you were born to be. 6) Aragorn: It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek. 7) Éowyn: (blankly) What other duty would you have me do, My Lord? Théoden: (Turns to Éowyn and takes her hands.) Duty? No...I would have you smile again. (Éowyn forces a tiny smile onto her face.) Not grieve for those whose time has come. (He cups Éowyn's head in his hands and brings her forehead to his.)You shall live to see these days renewed. No more despair. 8) Aragorn: Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West! 9) Sam: (in tears) Then let us be rid of it, once and for all! Come on, Mister Frodo. I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you! Come on! 10)Sam: (sadly) Rosie Cotton dancing. She had ribbons in her hair. If ever I was to marry someone, it would've been her. It would've been her. (Sam begins to cry; Frodo comes over to comfort him, and puts his arm around him.) Frodo: I'm glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee, here at the end of all things. 11)Aragorn: (raises his hands) This day does not belong to one man but to all. Let us together rebuild this world that we may share in the days of peace. 12)Gandalf: Farewell, my brave Hobbits. My work is now finished. Here at last, on the shores of the sea, comes the end of our Fellowship. (Merry and Pippin start to cry, but Frodo watches in silence.) Gandalf: I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil. (He moves toward the ship and then turns back.) It is time, Frodo. 13)Frodo: We set out to save the Shire, Sam. And it has been saved. But not for me. Sam: (Beginning to cry.) You don't mean that. You can't leave! Frodo: (Gives Sam the Red Book.) The last pages are for you, Sam. Posted at 03:13 am by storygirl
Jan 21, 2004
...when things end and start
so let it be
let me be
be true to my heart
this is the day
when things go on
and move on
so i'll just say sorry for what i need to say sorry for
and thank you for what i am grateful for
this is the day
when things end and start
so let it be
and let me be
what has survived of my heart
Posted at 09:53 pm by storygirl
|
|
|
