hello world.

just taking a peek on what's out here. i got too buried with work, issues and a number of things a thinner waistline can't solve.

oh well. at least. :)

im sorry if the entries on my blog are of this type of content. i didnt know it would affect people.
im sorry that there are people who are hurt or offended because of my entries.
im sorry that it made them feel bad or guilty. i didnt mean it. im not sure anybody would believe that though.
im sorry im not making life easier for people because of what im going through.

remember this entry?

another day
even my own blog makes me feel i should choose what i say...

im sorry that when someone said it's healthy to post whatever i want to post because it's my blog, i did just that.

i am truly sorry.

i am so lonely. i am. the loneliness is palpable. - carrie

no one will ever know how it really is. though some people say it's a choice (and i don't really argue) i still cannot skip the grief part. some really kind friends allow me my pain and my time of mourning. they do not rush me to be okay or to "move on". i believe they are the most patient with me and in them i find the acceptance i really need. in them i feel it's okay to cry, to just lie down, to refuse to greet the world with a smile, to hide in the shadows. they allowed me that. and in so doing, i feel their loyal company more and more.

i've just conducted a seminar. it was quite a success. i miss telling you all about my seminars after they've just been finished. oh well...

:D

sometimes, something makes me think (and rethink) who i am.

there are times when i feel so different from most everybody i know. i keep my job as long as i can. i keep my temper as much as possible. i keep my friends to the best of my abilities. i keep old receipts of memorable items. i keep how i fix my hair for a hundred years. i keep my cell phone until it gets snatched or drenched with gravy. the long and short of it is...i keep things (or people) as long as it's humanly possible. i don't change my mind that easily.

why do i feel that sometimes being steady is to my disadvantage? why do other people seem more interesting, or adventurous, or exciting? why do i feel like i seem monotonous, boring, too damn steady? why are other people more sought after? why does no one seek me out? why am i good for the "hi's" and "hello's" and not for the "can i talk to you"?

why do i feel disadvantaged by this? isn't it supposed to be a good thing? isn't steadfastness a good thing?

why am i too concerned about this? God, i'm such a loser. why do i even wonder?

That's All
Michael Buble

I can only give you love that lasts forever,
And a promise to be near each time you call.
And the only heart I own
For you and you alone
That's all,
That's all...

I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall;
And a love whose burning light
Will warm the winter's night
That's all,
That's all.

There are those I am sure who have told you,
They would give you the world for a toy.
All I have are these arms to enfold you,
And a love even time can't destroy.

If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear,
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small.
Say it's me that you'll adore,
For now and evermore
That's all,
That's all.

I’ve been watching old episodes of Sex and the City for the past two weeks. And over the weekend, I watched seasons 2 and 3.

 

I don’t know what you think of this stuff but I get really involved with it, ‘it’ being Carrie’s relationship with the here-and-not-here-again unattainable Mr. Big.

 

Big is the kind of guy that would sweep you off your feet but would also snatch the rug from under your feet. Carrie would always find her face pasted and her dignity splattered across the floor.

 

Needless to say, she was so in love with Big. She’d always think about him and try to make their relationship happy and satisfying enough to keep him. But he was true to who he was – unattainable.

 

Big can’t introduce her as his girlfriend. Big can’t take her to his mom. Big couldn’t tell her where he was. Big couldn’t help looking at other girls. Big dropped her like a hot potato whenever he wanted. Big makes her feel so imperfect. Big was going away to Paris without including her.

 

Carrie was heartbroken to know he could leave without consulting her or thinking about what would happen to their relationship. So there, he left. Big just couldn’t include her in his life.

 

After 5 months, in the season ender, Big comes home to Manhattan. They bump to each other. He was with a beautiful and younger woman. Her heart was crushed.

 

Not sure what to do and how to cope with the news of Big’s new girlfriend, Carrie invited him for lunch and proposed if they could at least be friends. She told him he can talk about his new relationship if it gets serious.

 

Big: It is serious. Carrie, we’re engaged.

 

Carrie: Engaged?! (puts her head on her hands) I have a splitting headache. How can you be engaged? You have problems with commitment, remember?

 

And Carrie storms out of the restaurant dejected and crushed even more. After a few days, she got an invitation to the engagement brunch party.

 

The day of the brunch, she chose to have brunch with her friends. She was whining about how Big can do what he did to her – why despite her love for him he did not choose to be engaged with her.

 

Miranda: One word. Hubell.

 

Carrie: Oh! Hubell. That’s right.

 

Charlotte: Oh Hubell!!!

 

Samantha: What are you talking about?

 

Then the other girls explained to her that Hubell is Robert Redford’s role in The Way We Were. And Barbra Streisand played Katie. They were in love. Were. Because Hubell chose to marry another girl.

 

Miranda: He didn’t choose Katie because she was a little bit complicated and she has this really curly hair.

 

Carrie: Hello? C-cu-cu-cu-curly! (pointing to her hair)

 

Miranda: While this other girl had straight hair and was simple.

 

The girls recounted the day of the wedding...

 

Katie: Your girl is perfect, Hubell. (and she walked away)

 

… and sang Memory.

 

“Can it be that it was all so simple then or has time rewritten every line? If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me would we…”

 

Carrie: Could we?

 

Carrie went to the posh Plaza to swing by the ‘brunch’. She saw Big and her bride-to-be getting in the car. Big saw her and approached her.

 

She had one question for Big. "Why wasn't it me?"

Big: Oh Carrie...

Carrie: I really want to know. Please.

Big: (after a moment's hesitation) It just got so hard. And she's....

Carrie: I know.

And she touched his face and said “Your girl is perfect, Hubell.”

 

Big: I don’t get it.

 

Carrie: And you never did.

 

And Carrie walked away.

 

I needed to blow my nose.

there's just too many of them. this is not a good day. or a good week. there's just too many of them. i shouldn't...i can't....oh but i'm gonna...i don't know what to do...i don't know what to do....oh God....help me...they're too many...i don't want to be found...can't i just be tucked away at a little corner where there's only peaceful sleep and normal appetite? God, calm me down. calm me down.